Monday, September 12
did i
mention the blow to my self-esteem? oh well, this year has been full of nothing much but blows to my self-esteem. *thinks* yeah. i can't rmb anything that really boosted my self-esteem. trouble is.. i don't think anything in my life so far has really done much good to it. i wonder how i survived 17 whole years. maybe i should just start being contented with half-loaves first. the trouble is, over the years i've been conditioned to think.. nothing is ever good enough. there will always be something, someone better, another mountain higher. and even if you don't put yourself down, someone will, and that person will probably be nastier about it. so you might as well do the insulting yourself.. so if anyone says anything about you, you can just shrug and say, yeah i knew that already. instead of having someone bitch, saying, oh she thinks she's so great, but really it's nothing.
yes that is how i feel, at least about myself. because no matter how well i did, or even what i did.. my sister always did better.. and i knew what people were saying. 'oh, your sister isn't in gep?' 'oh your older girl is so smart! so where's the other daughter? st. margaret's? oh.' and more, regarding psle and o's. even when i did triple science, they were like, 'you only do 8 subs?' yeah yeah whatever, bugger off. then there were those days when i joked that she only took pictures with me so she'd look better in them. sometimes i wasn't joking.
maybe i should stop saying such tongue-in-cheek things. people either take me too seriously, or not seriously enough. sometimes i think it's better to be this way. no one can hurt me more than i hurt myself. all i have to do is hurt myself as much as i can, as often as i can, and then i'll never hurt more. i don't want that kind of control, that kind of power to fall into someone else's hands. no one can despise me more than i already despise myself, no one can hate me more than i already do. so i figure i'm safe from the world. oh, i know the billions of counter-arguments against that. but they don't convince me because i refuse to believe them.
and now i wonder.. am i not good enough, again? am i not pretty enough, not witty enough, not vivacious enough? or maybe it's what i've suspected all along.. that i'm simply too flawed to ever be perfect enough. it was never me, was it? why does this still come to mind, a lifetime away?
you will never know the truth of what went on in my mind during that lifetime. i will never hand you such power in the form of flames. the trouble with giving all you have, is that when forever has come and gone, all you're left with is nothing.
it must've been love.
6:31 pm
xoxo
